Virgin ?

How do we define what a virgin is?

Of course a virgin is someone who doesn’t engage in coitus or in laymen’s terms- sex. But then there’s a problem in defining what sex is?

There are so many different ways to engage with someone else intimately or even by one’s self. Many people hold onto the notion that vaginal penetration is the only form of sex and if that has not happened, then the person is still "technically" a virgin. But this definition is problematic and limiting. Do gay men not have sex? What about people who masturbate? Or orally engage in sexual activity? Are you exempt from being categorized as sexually active if you are uninterested or have not yet had vaginal intercourse? I tend to think not.

SIHLE (a young black girls’ sexual health and lifestyle program)  identifies sex as oral, vaginal, or anal sex. According to Planned Parenthood sex is vaguely defined but can include any type of sexually motivated activity. Even though these definitions appear to be circular, both of these definitions take into account the various ways in which people experience sexual pleasure and acknowledge that sexual diseases can be transmitted in a diverse array of ways.

The claim that virginity is simply the inexperience of vaginal sex, regardless of what other types of sex the person may participate in, feeds into antiquated ideas of hetero-normativity and purity. Virginity defined as the lack of vaginal penetration assumes that everyone is heterosexual. This means that everyone who self-identifies as a man should and is attracted to a woman, and vice versa. But looking at society, this is obviously not true. There are homosexuals, bisexuals,  pansexuals, asexuals, and new classifications of sexuality emerging every day. Also, there are different categories of sex and gender past women and men (e.g., transgender, transsexual, hermaphrodite), who wouldn’t necessarily think of sex in terms of vaginal and penis interaction. So our understanding of sex, and thus virginity has to expand to be all inclusive of the experiences that different people will face based on their sexual orientation, sex, and or gender.

Now the new question is what are better descriptors that will more fittingly describe the different forms of sexuality and intimate interactions that people have. Is labeling people as vaginal, anal or oral virgins a more accurate method of categorizing people? Is it necessary or just political? Will these terms help us to be more open-minded and aware of the different forms of sex or will it simply be useless? That is up to you to decide.

 

Regardless of how we choose to define and understand sex, I definitely believe in self-identifying. If you’ve had oral sex, but haven’t had vaginal sex you can still label yourself a virgin but be aware that this doesn’t exempt you from sexually transmitted diseases and infections and doesn’t mean that you are purer, better, or cleaner that anyone else. We shouldn't focus on what a virgin is, but how to carry ourselves in a respectable manner that includes knowledge and safety. 

Let me know how you define sex, virginity, and purity below!